How tempting is it when your past promises to correct itself in front of you, and asks if you’d like that to happen? How can you possibly refuse such an offer?
I’ve just finished watching Bridget Jones’ Diary, and when Daniel begged for her back after cheating, I knew she would refuse him but secretly hoped she wouldn’t. Then I realized however satisfying it would be, going back is never the answer.
If I were Bridget Jones, I would be absolutely tempted to go back to Daniel. Even though he cheated and hurt her, here he comes crawling back begging for her again, saying all the right things. He reminds her just how good they are together, because they were really good together (until he cheated). He is everything she wanted in a man, and being with him was a dream come true for her. Why give that up when it’s in your lap begging for you?
Well, because, it’s humiliating. That is the only reason she doesn’t choose him again. That and he would most likely hurt her again. So she would not only have to live with the fact that she chooses to be with a man who once broke her heart, but now, she’s giving him a chance to break it again. But, some women take this risk because they are so desperate to correct the past. The desperation comes from the fact that actually, getting back together is an attempt to correct a different past, such as in the case of….
Carrie’s father abandoned her when she was a toddler. She is subconsciously trying to correct her past and make her father stay and choose her every time she gets back together with Big. For some women, the presenting problem is only a symptom of something much deeper: original pain.
Going back for more isn’t masochism; it’s a subconscious loop you are trapped in until you close the wound of your original pain. Some protagonists, like Bridget Jones, don’t go back because it doesn’t necessarily satisfy their subconscious loop to do so; it doesn’t correct the past. Others, like Carrie, get such an addictive, familiar feeling when going back because the loop is still running, and going back is what satisfies it. Her original pain (her father abandoning her) still has power over her because she hasn’t faced it.
The irony is that we go back to the wrong thing. Carrie is more than willing to go back to her toxic ex, but totally averse to going back to her original pain and acknowledging how much it hurt. This is quite normal, despite how counterproductive it is. As painful as it is to go back to an ex, it’s also familiar and comfortable, and the abandonment/rejection that keeps happening feels safe, because it’s what we know. It’s terrifying to face original pain, especially if you don’t know how to do it as an adult. The child within you is terrified, and hurt, and rageful, and needs help. Growing up is learning how to help your child confront their pain, safely, with you to contain them.
You are meant to be the hero in your inner child’s story; not your parent or a lover or anyone else. You don’t save yourself by pretending, dismissing, ignoring, avoiding, or even “moving on.” You can’t move on until you go back, not for more, but to finish it.
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