Happiness and success are not mutually exclusive, but are not often pursued in conjunction. Most people’s decision-making aligns with one perceived outcome, success or happiness.

I was not taught to pursue happiness in life. Happiness was somewhat demonized for most of my upbringing. Success, defined as doing many subjectively impressive things to meet an ever-heightening standard, was the only worthy pursuit. So naturally I structured my life around achievement. What goals would make me the most successful? Happiness was hopefully a byproduct but never, ever an end goal.

Well, I am now deconstructing that which I have built my life upon, such as the fundamental pursuit of success and how it has not at all led me to greater happiness.

I am not happier as a person because I graduated college early or got a master’s degree or wrote a book or insert other supposedly impressive achievement by an impressively young age. In fact, using success as my end goal has siphoned my creativity. Most of my motivation for achieving was to check a box, not to display something I’m truly proud of. And I think that is part of the reason why I don’t want to display my master’s diploma or tell anyone about my book. Neither are reflections of my true creative capabilities. My book, honestly, isn’t that great. It’s an achievement, but I could do much better if I wasn’t motivated by the status of achievement. It’s good, because I am intelligent and have valuable things to say, but I feel it could reflect more of me and less of expectations I try to meet.

Some decisions I’ve made have not contributed at all to my “success” and yet exponentially increased my level of happiness. Getting married, taking a job as a preschool teacher, going to therapy, and spending my money on international travel are a few. I didn’t do these things to fulfill any metric I set for myself to be a “success.” I did them because they made me happy, and these things have been the most transformative to my sense of identity. My life is better because I made these choices purely motivated by desire. In my book, I wrote a little bit about desire but not enough because it’s part of the foundation of leading a feminine life. Zig Ziglar wrote, “Desire is the mother of motivation.” I let my desire for fulfillment and happiness override my desire to gain my parents’ approval through “success,” and it made my life better.

It sounds very elementary now that I read it back. I did what I wanted to do, and it made me happier than doing what my parents wanted me to do. It’s like, the most basic Disney Channel high school character arc ever. But technically I did both. I achieved quite a bit, but it also feels right now like those achievements amount to nothing because they haven’t made me happier, richer, or even feel more “successful.” That’s the gamble–I did things based on trying to be a success and ended up not feeling successful or happy at all. Perhaps the lesson is that if I base my decisions around what will make me happiest, I will inadvertently find success along the way.