Several years ago I went down a theUniverseGuru rabbit hole. Her advice, particularly on dating, was simple but felt revolutionary. She emphasizes “vetting” men as an important part of the dating process. Years later, surrounded by horror stories of lazy husbands and manipulative boyfriends, I consider her advice canon and something every woman should know.

Vetting is the process of carefully examining a man for his character and ability to 1) meet your standards and 2) align with your values. Mina (the woman behind the channel) taught me something very precious, that every other hypergamous guru fails to realize:

Values are the most important determinants of a successful relationship.

Romance needs polarity, and love needs commitment, but values are what make or break partnerships. Values are why some couples last forever and others break apart shortly into marriage. Values are what set apart the man you’ll marry from the men you’re dating.

Your personal values tell you 1) who you are and 2) what you need from a partner. If you are clear on your values, you can quickly and easily identify a man who doesn’t align with them. Thus, you save time and effort that others waste dating the wrong person.

I should add that dating the wrong person for a long time is dangerous. You miss out on many opportunities, especially as a woman. Time you can never get back that you could’ve spent with your dream man. Extra years alone together before you decide to have children. Even opportunities for personal growth can pass you by if the wrong person has your focus. Dating is never “casual.” You are rationing out your precious time and energy to strange men in the hopes that one of them will be with you forever. Money is not the last thing you should be thinking about, but it certainly falls behind values if you want a successful relationship.

There are things I value in my life:

• Faith
• Education
• Personal Growth
• Family
• Health and Fitness
• An abundance mindset with finances
• Dressing well and looking clean

There are things I needed my suitor to value:

• Faith
• Health and Fitness
• Family
• An abundance mindset with finances
• Protecting and providing for his family
• Dressing well and looking clean

And there are things I wanted but didn’t need my suitor to value:

• Education
• Personal Growth

AND there are things that I valued NOT having in my life, at all, which I expected him to agree with:

• No drugs/smoking
• Little to no drinking
• Little to no cussing
• No pornography or promiscuity
• No physical violence

I knew the man for me had to not just “meet my standards” but align with my values. This wasn’t something he could convince me of by spending lots of money or planning fancy, frilly dates. It was to be displayed in every aspect of his life, and it was my job to sleuth and verify his values for myself.

If you ask a man what his values are, he might lie. We all might lie. For example, if you asked me if I value working out, and I said yes, but I haven’t been to the gym in three months, is working out really one of my values? Probably not. It’s your job to “vet” by analyzing the man you’re with to determine if he really has the same values as you.

The best way to vet is to be quiet. Just shut up, listen and observe him. People are very easy to study; the hard part is being quiet and observing. You have nothing to prove to him. He has everything to prove to you. Let him prove it organically without interfering or trying to manipulate an answer or outcome. That never works. If that’s your plan, to turn him into the man you want him to be, you’re probably not ready yet.

In sum, vetting a man is easy.

1. Know your values.
2. Shut up.
3. Study him.
4. Determine if he has the right values for you. If not, he is not the one. Leave immediately or you will regret it. If so, congratulations! You’re ready to move on and decide if you like him (which you might already know the answer to) and if there is polarity (are you attracted to him?).