There are many reasons why the human mind cannot grasp the fullness of God’s personhood. One reason is that while God is a being of unconditional love, our humanity and physical being-hood limits us to primarily give and receive conditional love.

Most people believe that their parents love(d) them unconditionally, or at least that they should love them unconditionally. They also believe that they love their children unconditionally. I believe this is a lie we tell ourselves, because it is impossible for humans to love others without conditions.

Everything we do and give is conditional, especially our love. Parents often withhold love if children do not meet the proper conditions. Because we are a broken humanity, this is considered “healthy” and “a boundary.” The conditions most children must meet are whatever the parent subconsciously believes matters: being well behaved, quiet, ambitious, perfect, a caretaker, a rule-follower, a good listener, and maybe even a lover. Yes, a lover to one’s parent. Many parents use their children to meet their unmet emotional needs from their childhood, which is emotional molestation, clinically known as parentification.

But because we are so totally unaware of these subconscious unmet needs for most of our lives, we never realize that what we give our children is conditional love. Parents believe it is unconditional for the following reasons:

1. “I want the best for my children.” (What makes you so sure what is the “best”? Are you God? No, but you might actually believe you are God as a parent because your parents were your first gods. See: how and why we abandon ourselves and my analysis of Creed.)
2. “I show up for them even when I am tired/sick/hurt, even when they hurt/hate me.” This is not unconditional love. This is unconditional responsibility, which parents do morally and legally have for their children.
3. “They came out of me, they were part of me, it’s instinct for me to love them.” No, it may be your body’s instinct to protect them from danger, but that same body also lies to you about what is “safe” and what is “dangerous.” Letting your children sit in front of a tablet for 4 hours or have a sleepover at a friend’s house could be very dangerous, but what you experience is not love but fear. And as we know, “perfect love casts out fear.” The anxiety you feel for your children’s well being is not unconditional love. True unconditional love knows no fear of anything.
4. “I would do anything for them, even die!” This one, if stated with genuine intent, could be a legitimate case for unconditional love, as self-sacrifice is the love of God. As Jesus said, “There is no greater love than this, that one would lay down his life for his friends.” An older parent might die to save their teenage or adult child. Of course, this would also mean abandoning one’s spouse and other children who are also recipients of their alleged unconditional love. Jesus technically “abandoned” his friends to save them, but since he was a supernatural being, he didn’t actually abandon them at all. Again, parents are not supernatural.

You see, it is not possible for mere mortals to express unconditional love, except maybe for God. Yet even when we think we love God unconditionally, we might fear, or doubt, we might try to use God, or ignore God (i.e. “put God in a drawer for emergencies”). All of these things make it nearly impossible for us to embody unconditional love. We might strive for it, but as long as we are in these bodies, we’ll always fall short.

Yet, one of the most healing therapies in my experience is the intentional act of “unconditional” self-love, even momentarily. It is an act of radical self-acceptance. It is being the parent you needed: an unconditionally loving being. It is refusing to punish, ignore, judge, or criticize yourself for anything, and instead validate yourself for EVERYTHING. The more we cultivate this unconditional love with ourselves, the more we can experience and reciprocate God’s unconditional love. Until then, “unconditional love” is a thing of fairytales.

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