I want to begin by saying that yes, I acknowledge that since the dawn of time, men have done crazy things because they were tempted by lust. Even in the Bible. The most righteous and holy men of God were still seduced by women and had sex with prostitutes, harlots, virgins, and whores. Many of these women pimped themselves out for a reason; they weren’t necessarily hot for these men, but rather, what they could gain from the men by sleeping with them. Because, back then, there was no such thing as free sex. Why would a woman waste the one thing she could always use as leverage by giving it out for free? She would become a concubine and be taken care of as one of his mistresses, or she would become one of his wives, or he would at least give her something of value (money, gifts, etc), and he would absolutely care for his child by supporting the mother. The point is: women as willing participants in men’s sexual side quests always had leverage.

Today’s woman does not think the same way. This is because she thinks she has more leverage. She doesn’t need anything from the man anymore. She doesn’t need money, gifts, or status. She doesn’t need him to put a roof over her head and care for her; she can choose to struggle for herself and get by alone. She has options; rather than getting knocked up and moving into his mansion with maidservants like the hoes of Ancient Middle East, she can choose a number of other options and still retain relatively decent socioeconomic standing.

1. She can take a pill that will wreak havoc on her body, but ensures that she doesn’t fall pregnant and can “safely enjoy” promiscuity. The quotes are there because any perceived safety in having extramarital sex is totally illusive.
2. She can take a pill that will wreak havoc on her body and kill any growing babies inside of her so that she doesn’t have to face the natural consequences of her actions.
3. She can fall pregnant, birth and keep her baby with no involvement whatsoever from the biological father or any man at all. She can and increasingly often does do it all on her own.

Here’s what we know, though:

1. Birth control pills have many unwanted side effects, such as increased risk of disease, infertility, depression, metabolic issues, and certain cancers. Many women report dramatic mood and physical changes associated with using/taking birth control.
2. Women are under the illusion that killing their baby they don’t want is the best choice for everyone, them and the baby. The reality is that more women are waiting to adopt babies they can’t have than there are women who kill their babies every year. Every baby would be wanted and loved by someone, even if it’s not the biological mother. Too many women quickly end their pregnancies because they claim it’s “the best decision for me,” but if they really knew what the best decision for themselves was, they would never have had sex unprotected and at the wrong time in the first place!
3. Babies raised without dads have the worst outcomes in regard to criminal activity, mental health problems, substance abuse, suicide, homelessness, poverty and obesity.

So, her perceived “options” and “leverage” are really things she believes benefit her that actually harm her and society in her other ways.

The reality is that love/dating/romance is and has always been transactional. Much of life, in fact, is transactional. We trade our time for money. We trade our talents for fame. We trade our bodies for pleasure, approval, and acceptance. We take specific actions for specific outcomes. Men invest in potential relationships by paying for dinner and giving women gifts. Women invest in potential relationships by spending time and money on enhancing their appearance so that men will find them attractive. Men sustain relationships (historically) by providing commitment, security, and stability. Women sustain relationships (historically) by providing comforts, sex, and children.

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Every time a woman sleeps with a man who hasn’t put a ring on her finger, society gets a little worse for everybody. Men feel more comfortable expecting and maybe even demanding free sex. By free sex, I mean sex that hasn’t been earned with a commitment. By a commitment, I mean the container and security that is marriage.

Many women hear this and remark that they married men who provided nothing for them. That is the problem. Marriage used to ensure that a man was going to protect and provide for you, emotionally, physically, financially, and spiritually. However, men don’t necessarily have to do these things anymore because they can get what they want (sex, children, comforts) for free, without providing anything and without committing at all. The woman says she can do it all herself. Why would he need to do anything? Men are motivated by need. Women are motivated by desire. Women assume men are also led by desire, which is why they say, “If he wanted to, he would.” For men, it’s beyond desire. Sex is a need. Legacy is a need. Women complain that in their marriages, men take and take and give nothing. The reason is, they are meeting a man’s needs for free, without an entry fee. He doesn’t have to commit to get sex. He doesn’t have to pay her bills to get a hot meal. He doesn’t have to marry her to have children with her.

Women never want to take accountability because we collectively acknowledge that men are pigs and that makes us feel safe from liability for the consequences of our actions. But no one over the age of thirteen is exempt from personal liability. Women are personally liable for their actions. Is it women’s fault that men are pigs? No. Is it in your power to stop giving men who aren’t adding value to your life at all and actually putting you in danger free sex? Absolutely. Danger = the ever-present risks of disease, pregnancy, and emotional wounds. Even in a committed relationship, the risks are still there. If you have sex under the wrong conditions, it’s not worth the potential and likely damage it will cause. Everything is beautiful in its time, including sex. Out of its proper, safe time, it’s not the same.

The idea that women are “damaged” by sexual encounters is false, but what’s true is that sex leaves behind emotional baggage for most women. There’s only a handful of us who can do it like men, with no feelings or strings. For everyone else, it is emotional and personal and intimate and spiritual. Someone else is entering your body in your most vulnerable state and place, and that is no casual thing. It is in your best interest to be extremely careful about who you let inside you. The thing is, many women don’t figure this out until after they go through the pain of losing a lover they gave their everything to. Even if you had to learn it the hard way, it’s never too late to recommit yourself to self-protection.

Moreover, sex is dangerous in that it convinces you that the man is better than he actually is. When you have sex, you get a big dose of oxytocin that he doesn’t. Oxytocin is a bonding hormone that puts hearts in your eyes; it is the hormone of safety and female nervous system regulation. When it is released, your body says, “right now, I am safe.” If you sleep with someone who isn’t fully committed to you, endangering you, taking advantage of you, or simply doesn’t have your best interests at heart, you could actually be unsafe. Remember, your oxytocin-drunk body says I am safe with him, though, which makes it harder to leave when you know you should. You won’t recognize red flags when you should, or if you do, you won’t be led by your intuition to leave, because you’ve already bonded to him so intensely. You let your desire (the feminine part of you that wants good feelings and pleasure) override the masculine part of you (that wants actual security and self-protection). Your masculine side has your security needs at heart. Your feminine side has your desires at heart. Neither are wrong, but there is a time and place for one to lead over the other. With a man who hasn’t proven he can keep you safe, your masculine side needs to be there to protect you.

understanding your masculine energy as a woman

healing your intuition: the foundation of femininity

Where do we go from here? Consider what is in your power–to protect yourself–and in your right mind, before you get drugged up on lovemaking, vet him for your personal security. Bring wisdom into your relationships. Take yourself, your future and your security seriously.

how to vet potential suitors