A message from my parts who need healing.

1. Fame. Because people would see me, and that would not be okay. I can’t be seen. I’m too ashamed of myself to even fully see myself. When others see me it just magnifies the agony of my shame. It makes me want to die.
2. Fortune. Because then I could rest, and I could fully enjoy myself without struggle. Struggle is part of my identity. If I don’t struggle, I don’t know how to identify myself or connect/relate to others. I don’t know a life that doesn’t involve struggle, and fortune would take most of my struggles away which would be uncomfortable and would probably lead me to create more struggle by sabotaging another area of my life, like my marriage, which is even scarier to think about, because I have attachment issues and fear of abandonment.
3. Success. Because it involves both fame and fortune in some way. Success is about being seen, appreciated and recognized for the creative work I do. I am afraid of success. Even though I constantly feel like a failure which causes me constant anxiety, it’s more comfortable to feel like a failure than it is to imagine being a success.
4. Whatever I want, when I want it, without guilt. I create feelings of guilt when I do have the chance to get what I want, and it’s very uncomfortable. Anytime I am able to get what I want, there is guilt that shows up, and that guilt doesn’t allow me to have more. It tells me, you shouldn’t have this. You shouldn’t enjoy this. You don’t deserve this at all. You should feel guilty for taking something away from someone else to please yourself. You don’t deserve it. You’re a thief. You’re a bad person. Shame on you.
5. Peace. Something bad is always happening or just about to happen, which is how I feel inside. Every tiny little insignificant noise could be signaling danger. Every footstep could be someone trying to hurt me. During the day I can rationalize my way out of panic, but not in the dark. How can I have peace if a bear is chasing me? How can I rest, sit still, relax, be creative? When I do finally sit still, the anxiety comes flooding in about my failings.
6. Friends. I deserve to be all alone, and it’s really better for me. It’s the only way I can feel okay, because with friends, I have to worry about saying the wrong thing and losing them or being so drained because I have to pretend to be someone I’m not to be liked by them and it’s exhausting.
7. Confidence. Something is always slightly wrong with me and other people are noticing and judging me. Because I sure as hell am noticing and judging what’s wrong with them, and it validates me. You see, if I’m not perfect, I can’t really enjoy myself. Or at least if I don’t appear perfect. Even when I do appear perfect, I feel like a fraud, like I have to keep up this porcelain image of myself or else my whole world will come crashing down and everyone will see how ugly, small, gross, powerless, and unloved I really feel.