An overwhelming number of women on TikTok are absolutely convinced that “all men cheat.” And, they love when this belief is seemingly confirmed by 1) news of men cheating on famous women or 2) other women professing that “all men cheat” is canon. One such woman is SheraSeven, a popular Youtube creator whose advice for woman is to go after money, because all men cheat anyways, so at least you’ll be provided for while he cheats. Her advice caters to a specific audience of wounded women who never grew up around secure, healthy men.

I recently posted a video on TikTok in which I explain that thewizardliz actually attracted the unfortunate situation she is now in by following her own advice.

The only truth across the board in dating is that what you seek you will find. Your expectations will determine your outcome. If a woman believes that all men cheat, with every man she encounters, her brain will seek to confirm this belief. This is a cognitive bias known as belief perseverance. For the sake of your survival, your brain constantly seeks confirmation of beliefs. If your beliefs are trauma-based, this creates a problematic schema that will guide your dating decisions. When you meet a man who isn’t at all a cheater, something just won’t feel right. You will not choose him; you will sabotage the connection. You will seek out a cheater and you will find one. This isn’t hearsay, it’s science. Your brain will literally not be satisfied until it confirms your trauma-based belief to be true. All men must be cheaters in your reality as long as you believe it to be true. In other words, your beliefs determine your entire life. If those beliefs developed from something that happened to you long ago, the only way to change the belief is to go back to the situation and reprocess it. What does this mean?

how to change a trauma-based belief

If there are any lingering negative emotions about the situation in your heart, you need to feel them and release them. Once you reprocess, the situation will probably feel neutral. To completely uproot the old belief and plant a new one, you need to reimagine or rewrite the event as you wish it were. Let’s say your core memory is your mother discovering that your father cheated on her. You see how hurt she is, and it hurts you. Instead of grieving the pain and anger you feel, your pain is hidden behind resentment for all men. Your belief is set in that moment: all men are cheaters. To reprocess, you need to get under that resentment, go back to that moment, and feel the anger and pain now that you couldn’t feel then. When it’s all gone, you can reimagine the event. What if he never cheated and was a good man to her? How would that feel to you? Feel those feelings now. Anchor the new truth in your body. This creates a new belief that your brain will begin seeking confirmation for: there are good men in this world.

in conclusion

As long as you believe all men are cheaters, you will only ever see the cheaters. You won’t see or notice loyal men. You won’t see the men who are providing and loving their wives, even if they are all around you. It won’t exist to you and if you see it you won’t believe it or you’ll deny it–until you change your beliefs about men. I chose to believe that there was a good man out there for me, even though I had never known one in my life before. I started looking for them and finding them. Now I have one–a man who not only provides but has values that align with my own. To change what you see, first change what you believe, then change what you look for. What you seek you will find.